(Writer’s Note: Before writing this blog about Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Candle I consulted with two female co-workers, Joanna and Intern Emily, who ASSURED me that this ISN’T a #metoo violation. So take it up with those two if you have a problem with any of this. Thank you.)

Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle called “This Is What My Vagina Smells Like”. I can’t tell you what it actually smells like for a couple of very good reasons. Number one, the candle, much like Gwyneth, has completely sold out. Secondly, it cost around 70 dollars U.S. and I’m not spending that obscene amount of money on a candle no matter WHAT it smells like. I mean, Burlington Coat Factory has candles for under four dollars that don’t smell like ANYBODY’S genitals.

But, I have been assigned to at least speculate on what Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina candle smells like.

Here are my best guesses:

  • Sandalwood, Evening Primrose and Pyramids
  • Diffused Ylang Ylang Oil and Purposefulness
  • Whatever was in the box at the end of Se7en
  • Gimcrack and Bunkum
  • Apple
  • Blythe Danner but about 30 years younger
  • Shallow Halibut
  • Pepper and Pot
  • Eggs, jade and Jade Eggs
  • Chamomile and Gullibility
  • Like a regular candle you can get at Wal-Mart minus 67 dollars
  • Palo Santo Smudge Sticks and a whiff of Mindfulness
  • Smokey Quartz infused water and Toxic Shock Syndrome
  • Goop (not the good kind)
  • At first you would swear it smells like England but then you realize it has actually smelled like L.A. all along.
  • Geranium, citrusy bergamot and cedar juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed.