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11 Secret Reasons Albert Pujols Signed with the Angels

Albert Pujols
Ed Szczepanski, Getty Images

The tremors felt around Southern California on Thursday didn’t come from an earthquake. The seismic activity came courtesy of all the money the Los Angeles Angels dropped on Albert Pujols, the prize of this year’s free agent class.

The Angels signed Pujols to a 10-year contract north of $250 million. He’s a three-time MVP fresh off his second World Series title with the St. Louis Cardinals, so fans have to wonder why this decorated and surefire Hall of Famer would leave. Wonder no more — here’s the real inside scoop on why Pujols decided to bolt from Midwest for the sunny West Coast:

1. Dude was offered $250 million. Would you turn that down?

2. It wasn’t so much the money as the fact that the Angels also gave Pujols, free of charge, his own pet rally monkey.

3. He actually wanted to play for the Kansas City Royals, but couldn’t get onboard their offer of $6.25 an hour, plus 10 percent off every meal at Chili’s.

4. He didn’t want LeBron James to be the only superstar who thanked an entire city for supporting him for several years by skipping town.

5. He just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to take part in the Angels-Mariners rivalry that every Little Leaguer dreams about while growing up.

6. The surprise signing was an attempt to prove that Buster Olney is not as much of an insider as ESPN would have you believe.

7. Never underestimate the power of Disneyland. You can ride the Matterhorn. You can’t ride the arch.

8. Kendry Morales breaks his leg jumping on home plate. Mo Vaughn fell into a dugout in his first game. Forget the Red Sox – the luck of Angels first basemen is a curse that Pujols is determined to reverse.

9. Well, you didn’t think he would sign with the Marlins, did you?

10. With the logical move to California, Pujols no longer has a dilemma. He can play in the Pacific Time Zone and still be near a Big East market.

11. He really, really wanted A-Rod to feel like he’s part of the 99 percent.

Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.

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