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Best Places to Hook Up in Abilene – Pain’s Top Five

So I was recently asked about the best place to hook up at in Abilene. My initial reaction was “why are you asking me?”, I then followed with a crude joke. Then again, that’s what you expected, right? So, if you’re looking for a few great places to meet (supposedly) single people in Abilene or at least someone to hook up with, then feast your eyes on this my friends.

I must say this list is in no particular order.

1. ABILENE Bars

Chelsea Street Pub

Doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that great places to hook up are bars…meaning “places that serve drinks” not “places that serve you when you drop the soap”. If you find the right bar, you can meet (then possibly hook up) a lot of people. Best of all, there’s plenty of liquid courage to help you with that first step. Besides, you really don’t have to have great social skills at a bar, because everyone else is on your level after a drink or two.

Which bars? Well, that depends on the kind of person you’re looking for I guess.

I tend to frequent places that I know have hot gals, great drink specials, good food, and live music.

Here are some of the Abilene bars you may have that person you can hook up with: Chelsea Street PubThe Midnight Rodeo 3, Rack Daddy’s, The Lucky Mule, The Firehouse, and Seafood Tavern.

All of those places are great bars to meet some great new people and for the best live music and drinks in Abilene.

My 2 favorite bars to hook up at no longer exist…RIP The Zone and The Depot.

Seafood Tavern/Yelp

2. Your Workplace

Where are the ladies?

Yeah, I said it. The place which forbids you from romance with co-workers. Gotta be smarter than I am right now. Don’t blog about your hook up in the work place. Now I’m not saying I’ve ever hooked up with anyone I worked with, OK, maybe I am. But I’m not saying which work place I did the deed. Dang it, now it sounds like I actually did the deed at my place of employment. By deed, I meant hook-up, but come to think of it, we have a really big conference room table that would be great to host a “conference”. I do have to warn you though, if you hook up with someone you work with, there’s a great chance it won’t end well and you’ll be facing a trashed office, keyed car, slap across the face, human resources investigation, mean looks and very hateful stories. Not that any of that ever happened to me. Just sayin’. So, if your ass can handle all that, then the work place is indeed, a great place to hook up.


3. Church

Google Maps

Seriously, you do the math. Look at all those dots and arrows, those are all churches in Abilene…and that’s just within the loop. Think about all of the rural churches. Holy cow! Now I’m not saying you need to go to church just to hook up, but if you meet someone while hangin’ with the Big Guy upstairs, then that’s like a double whammy, right? I’m sure many churches will be up in arms because they think this heathen named Frank Pain is saying the church is the best place to get laid. I’m not saying that, I’m just saying “why have a singles group at church if you have no intentions of getting singles together?”. For the record, I’ve never hooked up with anyone at church…in Abilene. However, I’ve talked to many who have and they say that’s close to the top of the list on places to hook up. If you want to know where all these great churches are then check em out on Google Maps.


4. The Grocery Store

David Davies/Flickr

Many, many TV shows have featured hook ups at the grocery store and we’ve all heard those stories, right? Well, I have to admit I’ve never hooked up at an Abilene grocery store, but I have seen some seriously, smoking hot ladies at the store…if they only served shots in the produce section to help with the first step. Why does The Painman have a hard time making the first move in a grocery store? Because a few years back I was walking up behind this beautifully curvaceous figure that had just picked up a cucumber (yeah, my mind went there too) when I made the first move. Yep, she was a he. Cut your freakin’ hair if you plan on having a nice butt and legs. The pink silk shirt didn’t help either. All jokes aside, the grocery store is a great place to meet someone new, especially if you’re buying the same products. Use those products as a conversation starter. If that doesn’t work, go to the beer aisle and quickly chug a few beers before store management sees you then go back for another shot.

(Rock 108 and its staff does not condone theft of alcoholic beverages)

Here are some great grocery stores in Abilene to do your “shopping”: HEB at 1345 BarrowUnited Supermarkets (4 locations)Albertson’s at 4450 Buffalo Gap Road - Wal-Mart on Southwest Drive and on the Northside.


5. Camp Barkeley Dog Park

Facebook

Granted, Abilene hasn’t had a dog park that long but now we have “Hook Up Heaven”. You both go there because you love dogs, which means you have a soft, compassionate side…and so do they. Simply start talking about their dog, and of course, look for that ring. The 2 key words are “their” and “ring”. Don’t talk about your dog, unless she/he asks and in that case, switch the conversation back to their canine. You two just met, they don’t want to hear about you and your mut, they want to brag about their own. Show interest then simply ask “who named the dog, was it you or your better half?”. That’s always a good one to throw in because even though there’s no ring, that doesn’t mean they’re single. Once you’ve figured that all out, maybe your little puppy will get to play while the 2 dogs play…if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, then ask Chaz, because those were his words.

Camp Barkeley Dog Park is located by the Abilene Zoological Gardens.


If you can’t dance, then please don’t rely on your dancing skills to hook up!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wi8bNNp_o7w&feature=related

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