10 Mothers Only a Son Could Love
With Mother’s Day just around the corner, we thought it might be a good time for some reflection. Our moms can be pretty annoying sometimes, what with all the calling and emailing, but it’s only because they care. Unfortunately, not all moms have a warm, motherly heart; here’s our list of 10 Mothers Only a Son Could Love, some fictional, and some terrible, horribly real.
Gemma Teller Morrow
This BAMF biker mom from ‘Sons of Anarchy’ at least means well…We think? We can never really decide. Loyal to the SAMCRO motorcycle club and her family, Gemma is an expert at manipulation and scheming. She’s consistently hostile to any females in her son’s life, but seems to have some vague desire for him to be happy. Once he begins to pull away, though, all bets are off.
Agrippina, the Younger
Minor meaning younger, Julia Agrippina was a Roman Empress during the Julio-Claudian dynasty. The beautiful great-grand daughter of Augustus, Agrippina was known to be ‘ruthless, ambitious, violent and domineering’. Born with an extra canine tooth (a sign of good luck), Agrippina married her uncle Claudius to become the Empress of Rome, and one of her first orders of business once crowned was to call for the death of any who were loyal to Claudius’ first wife, Messalina.
Next, she convinced Claudius to make Nero (who was her son from a previous marriage their heir and then poisoned her husband with a plate of wild mushrooms, making Nero the new Emperor. Stories vary, but some believe that Nero later killed his mother.
“Dinner’s ready. We’re having Lindsay chops. What? I just wanted to be ready in case some bully at school was as clever as I am.”
There’s something charming about ‘Arrested Development’ mother Lucille’s complete lack of empathy; she’s the purest and most honestly narcissistic character on earth. She hates all of her children, is a terrible wife with a raging case of alcoholism, but also has a smart mouth that gets us every time.
It’s bad enough that this charbroiled woman brought her small child into a tanning booth, but now she’s released a rap single? Cue the fourth horseman, and call your mom and tell her you love her.
‘Mommie Dearest’ was a memoir-turned-film written by actress Joan Crawford’s daughter, Christina Crawford. In it, Christina described her mother as a cold, career-focused and abusive mom. In the film, Joan is played by Faye Dunaway so infamously that “Mommie Dearest” has become shorthand for describing this kind of cartoon super-villain evil mother character.
This 2010 fictional mom from ‘The Fighter’ is unfortunately based on a real mom. Yikes.
Portrayed by Melissa Leo, Alice Ward is the mother of Mickey and Dickie, which should be clue #1 that she’s terrible. Aside from that, she’s got her idle, smoking hands full with a bunch of terrible daughters who she clearly never imparted any wisdom upon, and a heroin addict son who she enables to keep using. She’s your classic, lazy smoker mom. We do appreciate that she taught us to use the phrase “MTV girl” to describe a certain type of woman though. We won’t deny it; that’s pretty good.
When we first heard about Octo-Mom, we were excited; we thought it had something to do with a female/marine life hybrid experiement. Nope, turns out Nadya Suleman was artificially inseminated with 8 babies, and already had 6 at home. She’s also a compulsive hoarder, which seems like it might be related, somehow.
In the 1987 classic ‘Throw Momma From the Train,’ it doesn’t take much time to realize why you’d want to do just that; Momma is crazy. So crazy in fact, that her son Owen tries to get his new friend Larry to off her. Played by Anne Ramsey (also mean mom from ‘The Goonies,’ duh) Mrs. Lift makes you eternally grateful for your own mother.
Whatever guilt trips your mom may lay on you about your lifestyle, be thankful; it’s nothing compared to what Margaret White, of ‘Carrie’ would have wrought.
This batty, abusive, religiously fanatic mother of a telekinetic outcast teenager punishes her daughter for her powers, forcing her to pray in a terrifying locked closet to atone for her sins. In Margaret’s book, it was all sin, especially sex. She called breasts “dirty pillows,”
While your mom was probably proud and weepy at your prom, Carrie arrived home from hers (after destroying her school and most of the town telekinetically, mind you) and has a knife fight, with hers. She kills her by slowing down her heart with her mind, while her mother recites ‘The Our Father.’
This Australian woman had a long history of violence toward her ex-husbands before the stunt that landed her in jail for life. After her husband filed public charges on her, she stabbed him to death with a butcher’s knife, skinned him and made a soup out of his head and “baked buttocks roast” for her children for dinner. Luckily, police found it first.
Thank your mom for every dinner she has ever made you. Seriously, call her right now. We’re calling ours too.