Microsoft Patents Controls That Will Test Your Squeezing Strength

Rumors are flying around about Microsoft’s Xbox 360 follow-up, code-named Durango. After wacky suggestions that it will refuse to play used games and lack a disc drive, the latest zinger is that Microsoft could include a controller that responds to your tender squeezes.

Engadget spotted a Microsoft patent that will allow a controller to tell who you are based on the way you squeeze it. The ”personalization using a hand-pressure signature” would theoretically log you in to your account, letting you bypass an annoying hoop while not letting others screw with your save files.

We don’t know about you, but we’ve got lots of experience sitting on a couch, uh, squeezing stuff, and we’re a little perplexed. Sometimes moments call for you to squeeze ever so softly and encouragingly, while other times the no-nonsense kung fu grip is in order.

The ladies may have told us that our touch was like no other’s, but we just assumed that was sweet talk. We weren’t aware that our squeeze was as distinctive as a retina scan, so we’ll have to trust Microsoft’s tech wizards on this one.