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‘Barbarians: a Handbook for Aspiring Savages’ is Only for People That REALLY like Barbarians [REVIEW]

We liked our He-Man toys just as much as the other guy, but Dr. Byron Clavicle and Grute Skullbasher have taken obsession with barbarians to an entirely different and very weird level.

In ‘Barbarians: A Handbook for Aspiring Savages,’ [$15.25;Amazon] this duo takes serious look at a barbians, where are herin described as follows: “by the modern definition, a barbarians lives outside the borders of the dominant, effeminate, lazy, weak culture that scientists refer to as civilization.” Some are from outer space, even. So, no, this isn’t a factual take on, well, anything.

This book covers all the bases, from barbarian dress to philosophy and career opportunities, even getting into specifics of the culture through things like reprinting the lyrics of “My Yak,” a ditty from the Genghis Kahn era that, according to our barbarian experts, was rediscovered by “a State Department-Sponsored visit to Mazar-i-sharif by Mel Torme, who translated it from archaic Pashtun.” Uh huh. It gets better. “Torme’s rendition was so good that it plunged Frank Sinatra into a year-long depression, during which he considered abandoning his singing career to become a rodeo clown.” Yeah, ok. We’ll get right on verifying that one.

A few faux facts:

-Barbarians invented tanning oil.

-When cold, Barbarians will either throw a dead animal over their shoulders or grow more back hair rather than put on more dressing than their standard codpiece, loincloth or goatskin Speedo.

-Babies are evil.

If you like Conan (the barbarian, not the red head) and the culture that surrounds him and his wrestler-looking friends, this is a fine but if you sold those He-Man toys on eBay when you graduated from college,the book gets a little tiresome — fast. Unless you have a burning desire to prance around in your skivvies pillaging, you might want to take a pass on this one.

Jen A. Miller is author of Book a Week with Jen where she – well, what does it sound like she did? P.S. One of the books is about threesomes.

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