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‘You are a Total Vagina,’ and Other Things That Aren’t Insults — The Fairer Sex Files

Peter Hansen Vagina

This is the second most embarrassing thing I have ever made in a coffee shop. To answer your question: mind your own business.

So, a lot of people are really mad at NH Representative Peter Hansen for a mass-email he sent last week to lawmakers, where he used the word “vagina” as a synonym for “woman.” The email was in response to Representative Steve Vaillancourt’s request to repeal the NH ‘Stand Your Ground Law,’ legislation which legalizes the use of deadly force, even if safe retreat from a threatening situation is possible.

“What could possibly be missing from those factual tales of successful retreat in VT, Germany and the bowels of Amsterdam? Why, children and vagina’s (sic) of course. While the tales relate the actions of a solitary male, the outcome cannot relate to similar situations where children and women and mothers are the potential victims.”

While I don’t particularly enjoy having my entire being simplified down to my sexual organs, he’s also not wrong, really. Vaginas ARE missing from that scenario, I guess? It’s a really stupid way of speaking but he’s a politican, not a poet. Do we like politicians? No, we usually just have to pick one that we hate less. I mean, also he used an apostrophe incorrectly, why are we not talking about that? #EditorProblems #YourVsYou’re

I also think women have a right to be offended by his email if they want to, since we’re the ones walking around with vaginas attached to us (which I must say I’m thankful for, when compared to the fleshy dangle-stick you guys have to haul around. Thanks for bringing it with you though). I don’t want to be offended because it sounds boring, but I get what the problem is here.

Honestly… I’m a woman writing for a men’s website, I’m not super uptight about stuff. I’m pretty confident and at ease with myself. If someone calls me a vagina, I will laugh at them because what they said doesn’t make any sense, because I am a person with a vagina, and they are clearly bad at speaking English. Have I experienced sexism? Sure, but I’m also a huge pain-in-the-a*s with a big mouth, and I make a big deal out of it until it goes away. Not everyone is like me though, so it’s a better idea to just be polite and respectful toward everyone.

So I’m not really offended by his email, and it made me laugh a little. What I am kind of pissed off about, is his response:

“I want to apologize to my constituents, my colleagues and women, especially those in my life, for the blatantly offensive, insensitive and, frankly, stupid language I used in my email with House members regarding the Stand Your Ground legislation. I am embarrassed, to say the least. There is no place or need in the public discourse for the words I used. The people and the process deserve better than that.”

Oh contraire, Mr. Hansen. There is totally a “place AND a need in the public discourse for the word you used,” because vagina is not a bad word, it is the proper term for a body part. Some of your colleagues have one. You put your penis in one on good months, and you also came out of one, all slimy like a politician. Vagina is not a bad word, it’s the association with weakness that sucks and makes no sense. Don’t be ashamed of your roots, Peter. Everyone came out of a vagina. OH WAIT ALSO, YOUR NAME IS PETER! MUY LOLZ.

For a long time, i was under the assumption that the following quote by comedian Sheng Wang was a Betty White quote, which made me immeasurably happy. Now I kind of think it’s more awesome that a dude said it, because it’s pretty dead-on:

“When someone calls you weak, they associate it with a lack of testicles, which is weird because as we all know, testicles are the most sensitive things in the world. If you suddenly just grew a pair, you’d be a lot more vunerable. If you wanna be tough, you should lose a pair. If you want to be real tough you should grow a vagina — those things can take a pounding.” – Sheng Wang

In short, I am a total vagina and proud, and you guys are all huge vaginas for reading this far. I love you, you silly old vaginas.

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