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Why I Think Cars Should Not Be Legalized

These days all the things that are harmful to you are being legislated away. Personal freedoms are being taken away in the name of “protecting” you (I blame insurance companies even more than the government). Lately I’ve been obsessed with the idea, “what if cars were invented today?”. Read my thoughts after the jump.

juanstermonster

Instead of just writing down my thoughts, I came up with the concept of a southern congressman (yeah it’s a bit stereotyped) railing against vehicles. So without further ado the honorable congressman from Newtexabamahoma had this to say about the possible legalization of personal automobiles:

Ladies and gentleman, this man, this automaker, wants us to surround people with several tons of steel, and let them drive willy-nilly across this great country without any tracks. Imagine that, one quick turn and you’re trapped inside one of these steel monsters, or worse yet, what if two of them collided? The deaths from these rolling monsters would exceed the deaths of smoking, alcohol and all communicable diseases combined. This man is literally asking us to legalize mass suicides and murders across this great country of ours.

Even worse, this man suggests we TAX YOU to build an infrastructure of roads, highways and bridges for these vehicles to travel on. Can you imagine the expense? And while we’re talking about expense, what about the poor man being left behind by a new age of transportation? This man suggests something called “buses” that could take groups of people places for as little as fifty cents. If this is true, then what do we need these “cars” for? No one will want to pay the same price as a house for a vehicle if they can ride anywhere for fifty cents. Once again, this mans plan is not only fraught with danger, it’s just plain silly!

And how do we know this mans intentions aren’t honorable. Let’s take for instance the speed of these vehicles. He suggests we implement “speed limits” based on driving conditions. He even says they shouldn’t be driven above 60, YET HE MAKES A PRODUCT THAT GOES 120 or more! Shame. Ladies and gentlemen, what’s the hurry? God gave us two good legs perfect for walking or bicycling. This man says these vehicles will make trips quicker and even states a trip from here to the beach could be achieved in just a few hours. I’m here to ask you, isn’t the best part about a trip to the beach the five days getting there and the six days coming back? And my personal team of scientists tell me that if a man is exposed to speeds over 35 miles an hour, his face will peel clean off!

Ladies and gentleman, you may be in a hurry to kill yourself, but I’m not. I suggest we vote against the manufacture and use of these “automobiles’, they are nothing more than death on four wheels.

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