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The Painman Experiences “Black Friday” Shopping for the First Time Ever

Like many, my Thanksgiving was filled with family, food, football, beer, putting up Christmas lights, and shopping.

I’m still in recovery mode…from the shopping.

So, our Thanksgiving day was spent at the in-laws. We arrived to a full house and shortly there-after sat down to feast. Like I always do, I loaded up my plate with too much food…and ate it. After we ate, I sat down on the couch to watch football. Then, the tryptophan coma kicked in and I was out like a light.

Next thing I know, my wife is waking me up alerting me that we had to go shopping. Yes, we decided to the do the Dirty Thursday shopping. We call it Dirty Thursday, not sure what that’s actually referred to in the shopping on Thanksgiving world.

So, our first stop was Wal-Mart. They had quite a few things we wanted. So, my wife went one direction and I went another. We both stood in line for our respective items for what felt like an eternity. I really think some of those people should have stood in line to get a new toothbrush, but to each his own.

After I got my item, I wandered the store looking for my wife. As I wandered aimlessly, I heard the loud rumbling sound of a shopping cart that had one wheel wobbling back and forth. As I turned, I heard an old woman (at least 80) yell “get out of the (dirty word that rhymes with ducking) way, woman driver coming through”. I tried to move, but that damn turkey I ate earlier slowed me down to a snails pace. Well, as she breezed by, she clipped my hip and spun me around. As she sped off, she looked backed and giggled, then called me a newb. Apparently that’s gamer talk that refers to someone being a rookie.

I then crept back and leaned up against a big soda cooler. Shortly after, another guy stood beside me and said “is this where we’re supposed to stay?”. I obviously looked puzzled. He then remarked “you know, first time shoppers”. Ah, I wasn’t alone in this venture. Some other poor soul was left by his wife too.

Shortly after my time with the other rookie, I realized I need to make my way to the pharmacy. I didn’t have a prescription to pick up, I had to check my blood pressure. Even though it was early on in our evening, I felt like I was about to have a panic attack. Either that, or turn into the Hulk and destroy the entire place.

Finally, I found my wife, we paid and made our way to the next store. That next store was a woman’s clothing store. This time, we had to stand in line before it opened. When we first arrived, I was the only guy in line. Shortly after the doors opened, there were about 4 men in the store. All like me, following their wives as they wore a bewildered look.

Our last stop was Kohls. Again, we arrived before the doors opened. The line wrapped around the building (almost). Once the doors opened, we were shuttled through like cattle. Again, I followed my wife around the store as she swiftly snatched up bargain after bargain. Finally she said she was done, so we made our way to the checkout line. Like the line outside, this line was as long as that Auburn touchdown when they beat Alabama at the end of the game. After standing in line while shaking the numbness from my legs, we finally checked out…2 hours later.

Because of her ability to maneuver these insane sales with ease, my wife is a superhero and I am content with being a Black Friday sissy.

You can have your big sale shopping. I’ll stay at home and text my wife from time to time wishing her luck. I will never do that again.


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