I Have Concerns About The Bathroom Tissue Industry

I am annoyed at Charmin's claim that they are "America's Softest Bathroom Tissue". That statement leaves me with so many more questions than answers. First among my concerns is, "how come no one in the toilet paper business calls it toilet paper?". They always go with "bathroom tissue". I don't know about you, but I'm uncomfortable saying "tissue". Every time I say "tissue" I feel like a sound like a French guy in the middle of a sneeze.

Next up is the claim that they are "America's" Softest Bathroom Tissue. This leaves we wondering why they didn't dig a little deeper and take the "World" title. Maybe there's competition out there we don't know about. For all we know those filthy Canadians have developed a bathroom tissue as soft as baby rabbit fur.  Heck, in some weird breakaway European republic they may be using actual baby hair.  They might have babies that are genetically modified in the hostels to produce soft hair quickly and that hair is shorn right at the moment before the big crapping season (it comes right after the bean harvest).

I'm also concerned about the other toilet paper companies and their lack of concern about the softness of their products. Do their fat-cat C.E.O.s just say, "Screw the public and their dainty luxury craving poo-knots, they need to toughen up!"?  Do they not feel the pressure themselves for a softer experience when they are defecating out the souls of the little people they ate on the way up? Do their o-rings not burn after too many hard wipes with their second place toilet paper?  You'd think even the most heartless bastard out there would step up and say, "yes, kill the peasants and their offspring, but let their bungs be treated with fairness and paper the texture of pure silk".

In my investigative study, I've also found that Charmin in Europe is called "Cushelle". Interestingly enough their mascot is a koala.  Who decided that American's would be best represented by bears and Europeans by a koala? Furthermore do either of these furry mammals make you think "man I'd like something softer for my poop chute"?  I think maybe little puppies or even baby chicks bring more softness to mind than a bear.  When I think about bears and, even koala's to some extent, I think of vicious flesh ripping claws. Have you ever seen  koala's claws?  Well trust me, you don't want anything that is made to embed into tree bark for hours on end anywhere near your doody-business.

So the next time one of the products makes a bold advertising statement, I'm telling you to question it. We don't truly know who is "America's Softest Bathroom Tissue" until there is some transparency in the judging system.  Their might be payoffs, bribes and who knows what going on behind the scenes. And all you number twos out there, you need to try harder to serve our number twos.