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Female Ferry Thief Claims She’s Jack Sparrow

The Brits never seem to let us down. For starters, they’ve given us Rita Ora’s cleavage and penis cookies. Honestly, could it get any better? Abso-freakin-lutely. 

Alison Whelan
BBC News

Meet Alison Whelan. Recently the Brit, who bears a striking resemblance to a lady pirate (trust us, that’s important), thought it would be a good idea to cause a little mischief on the River Dart in Devon. First though, we need to give some background information. Whelan was definitely sippin’ on a few cocktails and throwing back questionable substances before everything went down. She’s also a big ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ fan. This has to be good.

So looped-out pirate lady was just hanging out near the River Dart, when we assume she was struck with a brilliant under-the-influence plan. Whelan decided to hijack a nearby docked vessel. Unfortunately, that vessel was the Dart Princess ferry and not one of those awesome pirate ships we were expecting.

At first, we were a little disappointed in this less-than-thrilling crime plot. But as soon as cops showed up, Whelan instantly redeemed herself. As the lady was slowly drifting down the river in an exhilarating escape attempt from police, she shouted, ‘I’M JACK SPARROW!’ Dammit that’s good! We’re definitely putting that in our ‘clever things to say while hammered’ idea bank.

Whelan was arrested like any ol’ pirate would be, and she remains in jail under her 112-day sentence.

NEXT: Eel Gets Lodged Up Guy's Butt

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