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10 Things We Want Apps to Get Rid of on Facebook

Facebook App Split
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It has finally happened. What once was a social media outlet connecting drunk college students has suddenly become the place you hear about your exes’ recent engagement, your high school boyfriend’s new baby and discover your moms penchant for oversharing. Fortunately, the brilliant people of Unbaby.me have not only had enough, they’ve found a way to program all this excess noise right out of your timeline with photos of your own choosing.

We’d love to see them superimpose Groucho Marx glasses onto sonogram pictures. But let’s not stop at babies — here’s our list of 10 ideas for the next generation of Facebook apps we’d like to see to combat some of the biggest party fouls of Facebook.

Posts About Annoying, Mundane Activities

The internet has made it fast, quick and easy for us to share EVERYTHING. People feel so comfortable with this form of communication that they share things that would never be a part of face-to-face conversation. What if an app not only whitewashed over the “Gym, laundry, dinner” status update, but instead changed it to things your 9-5 friend would never do? We’d be excited to see an app that turned dull updates into, “Checking in with my parole officer” or “DNA testing my newborn” or, “Hiding the bodies.” That’s an update we can get on board with!

Pictures of Really Fancy Food

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Wouldn’t it be great if people weren’t always snapping photos of their ultra-rare Arctic Char served with truffled peas and a tarragon emulsion? We’d love to see an app that replaces hoitey-toitey dinners with a can of Spam. Boom.

Political Opinions from People We Went to High School With

Name one instance where a political viewpoint expressed on Facebook has changed your worldview. Particularly when it’s one from the guy whose locker used to be covered with Jenny McCarthy photos. We’d splurge on an app that covered annoying political viewpoints from the head cheerleader with photos of her post-cheer body and her balding spouse.

Photos of Engagement Rings

Engagement ring
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Ladies, this one’s for you. Don’t set the movement back by making your engagement, the story of how it happened, and an entire album dedicated to “the ring” your new Facebook persona. You’re probably going to tell the story to every man, woman and child who asks you in the supermarket anyway. Spare us. Because your engagement means about as much to us as old reruns of ‘Webster,’ we want to see your ring replaced with photos of Emmanuel Lewis’ face.

Inappropriate Baby Stories

Parents, we’re sure your child is a special, unique snowflake. We’d even believe that she is taller/smarter/cuter/developmentally advanced and extraordinarily bright for her age. That said, we really could care less about her penchant for using the toilet. Spare her the internet mortification and spare us the eye roll. We’d be happy to see these posts improved with adorable pictures of puppies superimposed on them.

Whiny Status Rants About Your Terrible Job

Adult Tantrum
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We understand, even the guys working the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue have bad days on the job. This does not mean that we’re interested in hearing all about why your boss or your job is making you contemplate going postal. Because these updates are about as annoying as a toddler reaching Defcon-1 in a mall, we’d like to see an app that replaces your update with an animated crying baby.

Constant Wedding Planning Updates

Unless we are invited to your open bar, celebrity packed, island bash Kanye West-attended fest, we’re not interested in hearing about your blessed event. Notes about picking the dress, arguments with the caterer and grief over the floral arrangements have no place on our timeline. If we had our way, there’d be an app that replaced them with comedy routines chronicling hideous train-wreck divorces.

FarmVille and Other Game Requests

Michael Buckner, Getty Images

Some of us battle the occasional bout of insomnia with a game of ‘Angry Birds.’  The fact that we haven’t blocked all of the game apps on Facebook doesn’t mean that we want a daily barrage of FarmVille requests and a history trail of your Jewel Quest trophies. Annoying game requests should be covered with photos of John Stamos from ‘Full House.’ We don’t want to play games with you, but we definitely want to play them with Uncle Jesse.

Frenemies We Haven’t Spoken to in Years Who Snark on Our Wall

The likelihood of asinine unsolicited comments posted by people you barely know grows every time you accept a friend request from a colleague or an acquaintance you met once at a party. As Facebook makes it easier — nay encourages — people to share their every thought, timelines are becoming more and more like YouTube comment threads. We’d be grateful to the programmer who comes up with a hilarious comeback to instantaneously post under the offending remark. Think of it as anti-heckling software (you’re welcome, Tosh).

Exes

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Break-ups are hard, and one of the best uses of Facebook is to stalk people who are no longer a part of your life. Unfortunately in doing so, you might discover that not only has your ex seamlessly moved on, but that he or she appears to be winning the break-up. We’d shell out hard earned money for an app that distorts photos to make the ex look fat, and then reminds us of all the reasons why we dumped him in the first place.

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