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The Midnight Writer

The Midnight Writer is a freelance writer and contributor to popular websites and magazines. He's written three humor books and often writes while under the influence. Under the influence of what, he will not say.
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Guy Fired For Getting in Argument Over Work Printer and Threatening to ‘Shoot Up the Place Like Newtown’

In the heat of argument, people sometimes say some dumb things. For example, I once got in an disagreement with a coworker and told him that I was going to piss in his coffee. I didn't mean to say that. I meant to say "in his desk drawer" but it was all cleared up the next day when he reached into his desk drawer. He was so surprised he spit out the cup of piss I made him!

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Category: Weird News
Courtney Lenz Baltimore Ravens
Larry French/Getty Images
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Courtney Lenz, Baltimore Ravens Cheerleader, Claims She Wasn’t Included on Super Bowl Trip Because of Weight

Courtney Lenz, a five year veteran of the Baltimore Ravens cheerleading squad, is claiming the team left her off the trip to the Super Bowl because of her "slight weight gain." Oh deer! Sorry, I meant dear. Force of habit with this squad.

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Get Out of Jail Free Card
Parker Brothers
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I’ve Discovered An Excuse to Get Men Out of Any Situation [Half a Man]

A recent piece of satire on one of my favorite sports websites prompted some research on another current favorite of mine – Lena Dunham. I realize that’s a substantial amount of a** kissing in one opening sentence but it’s true. Dunham is funny, unafraid to take risks and like her or not -- and plenty of people fall in the “or not” category -- she’s going to be around for a long time.

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Category: Headline News
Man in Closet
ThinkStock
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Occasionally, I Act Like a Serial Killer [Half a Man]

It's hidden in the back of my closet. It's been there for years. It gets mail delivered; it's that established. For four years it has maintained residence, because it managed to make it through the move from the old house. It was the first shirt hung in the new closet, because it was the first shirt out of the box, because it was the last shirt in the box after an hour of deliberation that concluded with "you never know when I'll need this shirt."

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Upclose Photo of Nose Hairs
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Here is Why I Can’t Wait To Stop Trimming My Nose Hairs [Half a Man]

It was, by far, the largest clump of nose hair thine eyes had seen in the flesh. A county fair worthy thatch of hair protruding out the left nostril, like weeds who had found a small sidewalk crack out of which to flourish. It was mesmerizing, snow white, and honestly I couldn't stop since he boarded the train.

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Category: Uncategorized

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