Chris Illuminati
Chris is the editor-in-chief of GuySpeed. He's written three books, and previous to this position, he contributed to AskMen, Penthouse, Maxim and many other magazines and websites. Follow him on Twitter.
Chris Illuminati
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Guy Fired For Getting in Argument Over Work Printer and Threatening to ‘Shoot Up the Place Like Newtown’
In the heat of argument, people sometimes say some dumb things. For example, I once got in an disagreement with a coworker and told him that I was going to piss in his coffee. I didn't mean to say that. I meant to say "in his desk drawer" but it was all cleared up the next day when he reached into his desk drawer. He was so surprised he spit out the cup of piss I made him!
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I’m Almost Certain Willy Wonka Was a Pedophile [HALF A MAN]
His bulbous thumb jammed the pause button and the miniature needle slowly scraped against the disc. He asked if we needed to hear it again. The idling boombox, eager to continue on it's predestined rotation, made a whizzing noise in an oddly quiet classroom of two dozen teens
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Courtney Lenz, Baltimore Ravens Cheerleader, Claims She Wasn’t Included on Super Bowl Trip Because of Weight
Courtney Lenz, a five year veteran of the Baltimore Ravens cheerleading squad, is claiming the team left her off the trip to the Super Bowl because of her "slight weight gain." Oh deer! Sorry, I meant dear. Force of habit with this squad.
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Chris Culliver Pulls the Old ‘Just Kidding’ Card Regarding Anti-Gay Remarks
Chris Culliver, the San Francisco 49ers cornerback who yesterday made some inappropriate remarks about gays on Arti Lange's radio show, is backtracking on those statements with the verbal Get Out Of Jail Free card known as "just kidding."
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I’ve Discovered An Excuse to Get Men Out of Any Situation [Half a Man]
A recent piece of satire on one of my favorite sports websites prompted some research on another current favorite of mine – Lena Dunham. I realize that’s a substantial amount of a** kissing in one opening sentence but it’s true. Dunham is funny, unafraid to take risks and like her or not -- and plenty of people fall in the “or not” category -- she’s going to be around for a long time.
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Hulk Hogan Tweets Hot Picture of His Daughter and We’re All Pretty Creeped Out About It
The legend of the Hulk Hogan we all loved as kid's is slowly fading faster than his orange day-glo skin or maybe he was always a freak and it was easier to hide back in the day.
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Are You Ready Kids? SpongeBob Porn Parody ‘SpongeKnob SquareNuts’ is Rated D for Dumb
SpongeBob Squarepants is getting the porn parody treatment.
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Check Out This DeLorean Converted Into a Hovercraft
Roads? Where we are going we don't need roads. A body of water wouldn't hurt though.
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11 Incorrect Spellings of Manti Te’o That People Have Probably Google Searched
Manti Te'o story and his fake girlfriend (pictured hugging above) transcends sports. Everyone wants the real story. So they go to the only credible news source available -- the internet.
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Occasionally, I Act Like a Serial Killer [Half a Man]
It's hidden in the back of my closet. It's been there for years. It gets mail delivered; it's that established. For four years it has maintained residence, because it managed to make it through the move from the old house. It was the first shirt hung in the new closet, because it was the first shirt out of the box, because it was the last shirt in the box after an hour of deliberation that concluded with "you never know when I'll need this shirt."
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Here is Why I Can’t Wait To Stop Trimming My Nose Hairs [Half a Man]
It was, by far, the largest clump of nose hair thine eyes had seen in the flesh. A county fair worthy thatch of hair protruding out the left nostril, like weeds who had found a small sidewalk crack out of which to flourish. It was mesmerizing, snow white, and honestly I couldn't stop since he boarded the train.
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J.Crew Leather iPhone Case Because People Don’t Hate You Enough
There is such a thing as phone envy. We know, because we suffer from it every time a coworker whips out an iPhone 5 and it reminds us of our iPhone 0 because we can't afford an iPhone. We hate those people. We'd hate them even more if they had a leather iPhone case.