An Old Dude’s Thoughts on Foam Parties

Thank you, but I can't make it to the foam party.

I keep getting invites to a foam party. I don't know what's up, but apparently the people sending them don't know me. I used to be one of those Purell people; I couldn't touch anything without cleaning my hands afterwards. Fortunately, I've overcome that, and am now reasonable and prudent about my hand washing without being a freak.

Let's back up here and say that this blog is an indictment of ME, not the foam parties.

I think if you're young you should probably have a reasonable amount of exposure to things to build your immune system. I'm sure most people who go to foam parties walk away fine. So with that in mind, let's talk about what an old guy thinks about when he thinks about foam parties.

First off, I think there could be no better way to spread viruses, strep throat and so on. Of course, maybe the foam kills that stuff; I don't know. I just envision foam going in people's mouths, ears, armpits, then going through another persons ass-sweat, then back into somebody's mouth, then in somebody's hair and so on.

Next, if there has been a lot of documented cases of the foam causing severe burning of the eyes. Also, if you swallow too much (you're laughing and dancing with your mouth open), it could turn your stomach and give you the Hershey squirts as well.

Then there's the slipping hazards. Want someone to fall down? I think foam would be just about the best way possible to make someone bust ass, elbows or god knows what.

The other people hazards bother me, too. I don't want to be humped on by a stranger just because I'm in the foam. I also don't want to accidentally be pushed, hit or knocked around.

I tried to research the safety of foam parties, and there just wasn't a bunch out there. The one thing that stuck with me was a quote that said: "Whatever you think happens at a foam party, happens at a foam party."

To me, an ADMITTED OLD GUY, it sounds no different than putting 1,000 people in a hot tub, then making everyone drink a little of the water.

You kids have fun. But you may want to have your family physician call in a Z-pack in advance.